Self-pity for a good night

How many times do I have to walk down the same road again without judging myself for the mistakes I've made, for those I'm still making and for those I'm aware I'm about to make. This was not a question.
Here we are again. Same blog. More or less same hour. The hour of feeling sad, disappointed and betrayed by some stupid boys, trying to look happy, though, but still feeling kinda empty on the inside. Some of us would say - why is it so hard to find the happiness, life's good and full of good things that could really make you feel fine. Sure, I have always had a great family, great parents who have sacrificied everything for their children, a great sister, the most important person in my life, who, I know, will be always there for me, a whole bunch of friends who won't be always there for me, but at least they will be there when I need "CHEERS!" company. Yes, having all this is everything a person needs to be happy. Almost.
Lately, I've been thinking why the F*** it's so hard to find someone that will always be there for me, when the people I've just mentioned won't be able to. Well, I think I might have found the correct answer to my question. That's because it's me who is not interested anymore. Hello, I'm Mery, I'm 21 years old, I'm single and I think I will always be, because I am so scared of being involved with some guy, that I completely lose every interes as soon as I get a little bit closer with him. - Hiiii, Mery!
I have been asking myself is it true that there is a train for every passanger in this life. Well, may be there isn't. May be, it's us that build a wall between the people we desperately want in our lives. Of course everything I've just said is due to a lot of things. I personally, can say that for my age I've been suffering for a very long time, looking here and there for the right person, trying to look happy for my friends, who by the way have ALL boyfriends and still pretending life's good anyway and telling everybody that I'm too young to search for the "knight on the white horse" and that I don't wanna be in a relationship.
Well, I think I've reached time of my life where I couldn't be more disgusted of myself. I am just not interested. And I'm not gay(!!!). I just don't care.
Re-reading the things I just wrote I feel even worse than before and perhaps, I should even stop writing before I start crying, realizing how miserable and sorrowful I might sound. It's 2:38. Enough self-pity for tonight.

10 Reasons to Understand I'm back to Italy

1)I look tired(of course after a vacation, people need time to take some rest, after taking rest for 2-3 weeks).
2)I look like I'm about to cry every minute.
3)Usually I have exams..oops MANY exams.
4)I have to study like a "secchiona".
5)The day I'm leaving I'm calling my friends to tell them I already miss them.
6)I hate saying "see you soon" to my parents when I don't know when it's going to be the next time I would be able to see them again.
7)I hate opening the luggage and realize all my clothes smell like home.
8)It makes me sad when my mom says "What do you want as a last meal at home".I don't wanna have last meal, I wanna eat everything she cooks all my life.
9)I cry a lot, like now, while writing this stupid post.
10)I can't stay far away from my sister.She's my life, my heart, my soul and everything inside of me. <3

Goin' Fishin' - such a cliche

It is such a cliche to write about someone who slept with you and never call you again, giving you the most stupid excuses you've ever heard.But now that it kinda happened to me, I can't help but write about how disgusted of the whole situation I am.It won't take you long to read it - not because I can't write pages and pages explaning everything, but because I feel it's useless(just as useless as the blog).
It is such a cliche to like someone so much and not being able to tell him how you feel.Yes, I know..at my age I should be enough strong to confront the situation and figure out somehow the way I could express my feelings, just because when we're talking about men, women always have to be patient.Well, fuck it!I'm tired of wasting my time, waiting for something to happen, being deluded and in the end alone again.I have been so disappointed this year, that I couldn't even believe it.Probably, some of you would say that things like this happen every day and it's not such a big deal, but this time it is to me.Men are pigs.And yet, I still don't give up on them...also because I like "him" a lot.It's a pity, though.
It is such a cliche to wait for a call."There are plenty of fish in the sea" - in this case I can say only one thing - "Много риба - ама вмирисана".
I am so tired of looking for "mister perfect".Is he real? Probably not. That's why all I find is a whole bunch of imperfect guys, who can only play and leave you.The worst thing is the way you feel after - used and useless,angry with youself for not kicking his ass before he kicked yours, but still hoping for a call. "He's just not that into you"(SATC). Not so funny, but really silly - if he is not that into me, then who is?

Happiness...more or less...

Hello, everybody!Long time no see (or should I say "long time no write" ).Anyway, since i have finished with my exams more than a month ago, I spent the rest of the summer in Bulgaria with my friends etc...But there is really something I can not hold in myself, so I decided to visit the good old blog and just want to pour my soul here hoping that some people won't judge me.
So, as I already said I was in Bulgaria, where the sun is shinning, the birds are singing, my mom makes me cakes and my dad wakes me up with coffee every morning and in the evening the party is always in the list.Yeah, I know, sounds too good to be truth, but when you are on a vacation everything seems to be perfect!And to be honest - it was!Infact I was happy and even though I've been rejected 1 month ago by the boy I think I'm in love with(*), I had a wonderful summer, I found a great guy(**) and I actually thought he might be the perfect one.And infact he was!He was everything I have ever wanted - smart and funny and sweet and I had a great time with him.The problem that probably didn't give me the possibility to fall in love with him, like him, was that even though I had everything I needed, I kept on thinking about the other guy and this really breaks my heart - first of all, because * was a complete asshole to me and practically he used me and left me fall in love with him without thinking about the consequences, and second of all because ** is a really good guy and I keep on thinking that perhaps I'm a big selfish bitch(not being able to answer to his feelings the way he would like me to).
The question I'm asking myself everyday is WHY THE HELL I am always searching for the one who plays "hard to get", who doesn't even deserve my love and at the same time I can't accept the one that is too available to me.Am i punishing the guys for being too available, or I just can't fall in love anymore with someone if there is “no game” .And the thing that scares me the most is that probably my choice of men is always the same – I reject those who are crazy about me, and I’m dying for a phone call from those who don’t give a sh** .To love or not to love – that is the question and it still needs to be answered also if I’m aware of the fact that keeping all this to myself is the thing that won’t let me be happy.

Note:actually I wrote this about 3 weeks ago, but I was plucking up courage, just because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, which I am probably doing now as well.But I can't feel more miserable than I am actually now - so "enjoy" !

The truth is out there

Hello, everyone!Seems like I’m starting to write a letter here, and believe me it would be much more pleasant for me, but unfortunately I am not.So, today is the 12th of September 2010.And tomorrow I have exam of Macroeconomics – not that anybody cares, but I just wanted to feel like somebody is being supportive, and by somebody I mean the Blog.
So, I was reading an article about 9/11 today, although I would have probably red this yesterday.But while I was trying to concentrate on my studies, doing absolutely nothing about it, a serious thought came into my mind…well not so serious, considering the fact I have 3 textbooks to repass.Well, the thing that kinda bothered me is that somehow an “ancient” man actually predicted the whole tragedy about the planes and the towers and the “blab la bla”.I was asking myself, who is this Nostradamus and why the hell nobody payed attention on his prediction before.And right after the accident, everybody understood that there is a prediction about a “great thunder” for the “City of God”.I must say I am impressed, also because I’ve always thought those prediction things are really interesting, although I really don’t believe in them . However, enough about 9/11 , we can all agree that we’ve listened to these things for a very, very long time, and to be specific – 9 years.
The thing is that now that everybody knows about Nostradamus and his predictions and more importantly- about his existence in the dark 1500 year in France(for those who still don’t know nothing about him), I couldn’t help but write about the “NEW” predicition – such as the thing about the end of the world, which according to the ancient Mayan and apparently Nostradamus should be on the 21st of December 2012.Practicaly, I don’t really believe neither about the sun, which is scheduled to be in a “solar maximum” in that year, nor about the upcoming apocalypse just because there will be an alignment of sorts with the center of the galaxy, nor about the Mayan and their calendar that obviously ends in this date.
I just think we could all agree about this.Everything is made for a commercial, except 9/11 of course – it has been a terrible lack of any possible humanity, but even since I’ve seen the 9/11 by Michael Moore, I couldn’t help but wonder is this for real ? Or somebody is really trying to make some good money of the whole story.And another thing about the end of the world – what is wrong with you , people ? Don’t you know how to use your brain?!I’ve been told that the end of the world should have been on the 5th of May 2000, and to tell the truth – I’m more than alive!!
So, here comes my question and I should probably ask people to answer it - the blog is just the place I could share my thoughts, without being judged of how I feel, what I think and why.How come people are being so subordinate, that they are now disposed to believe everything they see, such as the “commercial” about “the end”, instead of thinking about the important things in the world, which will existe not even after 2012, but after 2112 and 2212, and so on?
Finally, I would like to say just one more thing – I’m so gonna be sorry if everything is true and the world actually will end, but probably till then – I won’t be alive.So, see you soon ( if the Mayan have predicted).

Disturbingly Addicted

Sunday...My favourite day of the week!The day I can sleep till noon and then spend all my day in bed without thinking of how much i have to study for my exams the next day and without any memory of how much time I have already spent studying unnecessary things in the library!!Yes, that's the thing I like about Sunday-it's the day when the inactivity doesn't make me feel guilty at all.
So, last Sunday I was planing to enjoy my day, doing ABSOLUTELY nothing, but staying in Facebook!!At 12P.M. I was waken by the smell of fried onion coming from my neighbour's apartment, but that's something really common and now that I'm thinking, it doesn't have to bother me at all, because I'm used to it.The thing that left me speechless was the fact that my computer,my dearest Sony Vaio VGN DR498 has decided not to work!Not only my Windows has crashed,but after calling my sister desperately praying for some help, trying the Safe Mode and the System Restore, I felt more crashed and more devastated than I could ever be.Somehow I managed to call a friend and he promised me that everything will be alright...Yeah, right, easy to say, because his computer was completely fine!!!grrr!
Now that my computer needs to be fixed, I'm using one of the oldest HP I have ever seen and I was thinking - is it possible to be so addicted to such a thing?I mean...have I lost my mind?Am I becoming so antisocial, that even 2-3 nights without my own computer make me go crazy?I am really worried about myself and I desperately need if not my Sony, at least help.But as a lonely student in Italy, my computer has become my only friend - sad but true..
PS:Thank God I can say how bad I feel about my addiction in this blog, because I could never tell it to my REAL friends without seeing the pity in their eyes.

Shit Happens

I have been told that if I have something to say, perhaps Facebook is not the perfect place to share some things and that's why my dear sister told me to create my own blog just to feel free to write my thoughts, because I need to relieve myself (although the blog does not help a lot) and just to write something..now that I have been inspired by the shit that happened to me recently and now that I'm done with everything and everybody I feel like sharing my feelings...my hurt feelings, even though I think this might be considered as a very pathetic action and probably no one cares...
Question:How stupid can a woman be, that after she shares her hopes and dreams, and fears and her life with a man, who after being with her and telling her how much he loves her, leaves her for no particular reason?...
Answer:That's the thing I like about Italy - when you don't know how to answer a question, you can just say ''BUH???''Well exactly...That was the reaction,but the question still needs to be answered...
Question:How stupid can be a woman, that after being polite and sweet and quite understanding, starts seeing someone, no one special(oh God no!!) and certainly when she realizes she has some kind of feelings, she has been rejected again for no particular reason..??
Answer:Well...that's another thing I love about Italy - when something like this happens, you just say ''ma...vaffanculo va!!'' and the question still needs to be answered...
There are a lot of things we have to like about life and I KNOW I will find them some day...but what I desperately need now, is just to know that i can still trust people, even though I have lost my hope, after being betrayed I just feel like people are fake or that I'm too nice or may be it's just a question of compatibility, again-this question needs to be answered, but this time I think I can keep it to myself-no ''vaffanculo va!'' and no ''buh''...''no muss...no fuss''!!!
ps:and I still believe there is at least one person I can tell everything without being rejected ''for no particular reason''but ''life is like a box of chocolates-you never know what are you gonna get''!!